GuineaDad Animal News Blog - 9/23/23 "Popstars, Aliens, & Donut Stealing Bears"

Greetings, GuineaGang!
GuineaDad Animal News is back, bringing you some of the non-human focused news stories you may have missed this week. To watch our charismatic anchors Ru & Mi discuss these stories, you can find their broadcast at YouTube.com/GuineaDad Animal News
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PopStar Pets


Music Icon Ariana Grande has filed for divorce from somebody that we don’t know the name of. (www.eonline.com/the Terms of Ariana Grande’s Divorce)

Ru: We feel for all parties in these difficult times Mi, but of course, we must focus on the impact this will have on their 10 pets.

In no particular order of cuteness, these pets are Coco, Toulouse, Cinnamon, Strauss, Lafayette, Pignoli, Myron, Snape, Lily, and Piggy Smallz.

GuineaDad managed to get exclusive interviews with these delightful pets, and here’s what they had to say.

(Pets’ Testimonials)

One of the pups, who asked to remain anonymous, said “I used to have lots of food to eat and big houses with lots of space to run and play. Now I somehow have even more houses and food to eat. This is a joyful life.”

Pignoli, who seemed momentarily less upbeat, voiced some concerns - before then getting distracted.

Pignoli: “What’s gonna happen to my pats? Ariana and the other guy have two hands each. That’s four hands, four pats at once. If friends or family come over, even more hands can pat. But how will they know which house to go to? I don’t know. Hey look! A ball!”

Another pet, Piggy Smallz, had this to say: “Day 1825 of being undercover as a dog - nobody suspects a thing…”

At this point, several more very cheerful dogs approached, and the licks and sniffs got a bit overwhelming, so we had to excuse ourselves.

As none of the pets could remember the name of Ariana’s former husband, it is believed that they will all remain in the popstar’s custody.
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Aliens Found in Mexico?
Questions of aliens are gripping our nation this week after possible extra terrestrial remains were uncovered in Mexico (www.euronews.com/Aliens in Mexico).

Ru, our resident guinea pig conspiracy expert delivered the following opinion.

Ru Lee: “Are aliens real? Yes they are. But more importantly, are they loud? Will they make sudden movements that we find startling? Will they eat our hay? I certainly hope not, but these are the answers we’re all seeking after this undeniable proof of extraterrestrial life was presented at the Mexico Congressional Committee, earlier this month.

Our editor believes that showing you a deceased alien would be too macabre for animal news, so the following image is an artist’s rendering of what one of the beings may have looked like in their prime. And alive.

The remains of these two “1000 year old” “aliens,” were supposedly discovered in Peru in 2017. These creatures appear to have ‘big brains, big eyes, 3 fingers on each hand, and no teeth. This, along with the US fighter pilot who testified before congress earlier this year, and Ru the guinea pig, along with some humans even, say that they’re convinced.

Ru Lee has a degree in Ufology from the prestigious YouTube & Reddit sister colleges, and has requested sincere, hand-written apologies from anyone who has ever publicly, or privately doubted the value of a degree in “Ufology,” or in the credentials of these “fine internet universities.”

Some have mentioned the curious choice for the people said to have discovered these “alien remains” to wait six years before bringing them up.

Officials are still determining the origin of the Hobby Lobby receipt and price tag found on the bodies.
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In other news…

2 Wild Bears Took on the United States Military, and Won

We should warn you that the images you're about to see may be found quite amusing by some readers. 


Operation Bear Claw (www.cnn.com/Operation Bear Claw) was deemed a success this week, as two wild bear agents, Yogi and Boo-Boo Bear, intercepted a truck transporting three hundred pounds of Original Glazed donuts, saving countless Guinea lives.

As we all know, donuts are extremely toxic for guinea pigs, these bears were clearly acting on behalf of the interests of guinea pigs everywhere, and I believe we owe them a sincere debt of gratitude.

This has also raised some important questions for humans, in terms of the power of the U.S. Military, as well as their national snack security.


These photos showing Yogi and Boo-Boo’s heroism were captured by our own field reporter, Max GoodBoy. When giving an account of the tense scene, Max had this to say:

(interview)
Max Goodboy: “Bear says ‘Be quiet.’ I be quiet. Bear Opens Truck. Bears eat. Eat so much. I want to eat too. They say no. I do not eat. Sadness.”
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Well put, Max.

Two human donut traffickers, believed to be the operators of the donut truck in question, were found in a nearby park, covered in sprinkles, and fast asleep." 

The brave bear agents have commented that they’re currently following a lead about a Pepto Bismol truck, and then plan on taking a nap.



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That’s it for the weekly GuineaDad Animal News.

See you next week, GuineaGang!
- GuineaDad