TAYLOR SWIFT CHEERS AS CHIEFS BEAT BEARS
GuineaDad’s Animal News animal hosts, Sesame and Churro, were especially excited this week to report on a Taylor Swift spotting as the Kansas City Chiefs squared off against the Chicago Bears.
Both hosts claim they were unaware that these were football teams, and that the latter was not a group of actual bears, though they agreed that the pop star was probably slightly better off this way.
Churro and Sesame, celebrity guinea pig co-hosts of the GuineaDad Animal News network, had reported how excited they were that one of their favorite musicians had supported a group of native americans in a skirmish against wild bears.
Wild bears are natural predators of guinea pigs in guinea pigs’ native Andean region of South America, and the two hosts credit this highly emotional connection with their lack of researching the news story, before using company credit cards to purchase copious amounts of Taylor Swift memorabilia in support of the pop star.
After discovering their mistake, the guinea pig anchors grudgingly acknowledged that this story does not technically qualify as “animal news”, and agreed to have their salaries garnished to pay for all of the TSwift merchandise they’d purchased.
When asked about the experience, the famous guinea pigs unapologetically stated that they planned to just “shake it off.”
"Flamingos in Wisconsin: A Sign of Climate Change or Just Biblical Apocalypse?"
Breaking news, five tropical flamingos were recently spotted in Wisconsin, unexpectedly enjoying the shores of Lake Michigan. Roughly seventy-five terrified citizens showed up to the site to question why the birds had come, as birds like these "weren't typically seen 'round these parts".
The flamingos commented that they were there on a family trip, and hoping to keep a low profile and enjoy some of the local shrimp, but the excited onlookers had even followed them to their hotel.
Some concerned citizens said they believed the tropical birds were engaged in a type of prospective gentrification, buying up land now that they can turn into tropical vacation resorts in about 10 years, once the effects of climate change have impacted the region badly enough.
Others have argued that the inhospitable treatment of these birds was reminiscent of some important civil rights battles fought by humans in recent decades, while a third faction accused the flamingos of being harbingers of the apocalypse.
One self-proclaimed climate denier suggested that the birds were “profiteering off of (his) ignorance". The flamingos were too confused by this statement to respond.
Whatever the significance, this marks the first sighting of these long-legged birds in Wisconsin state history. And for some nearby states as well. Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, all reported first-time flamingo sightings within weeks of each other.
Several concerned citizens believe that this is clear evidence of climate change, while others suggested it may just be early signs of a more biblically-driven impending apocalypse.
Either way, the consensus was not very promising for the future ecosystem of the Midwestern state, though technically speaking, it would make their “Pleasant Peninsula” slogan make a lot more sense.
We caught up with one excited flamingo on her way to join the new Lake Michigan tropical bird meetup. When questioned about the flaming sword in her beak, the flamingo had this to say: “Apocalypse? What’s the apocalypse?”
Video playback confirms that the reporter had not mentioned the word “apocalypse” at any point.
That’s it for us here at GuineaDad Animal News, stay safe, stay hydrated, and if you notice any more foreboding signs like the earth splitting in two, or trees filling with blood, we suggest that you stay inside.
See you next time, GuineaGang!